Anxiety is building

I can start to feel myself getting kind-of keyed up. I have a general feeling of low-level anxiety and tension. I know that its due to my impending injections--the real start of my IVF cycle.

I think that over the course of the last few days I am starting to understand, or at least acknowledge that the reason I'm feeling all of these mixed emotions is that I have to once again face "what if it doesn't work?"

I guess that maybe I'm not feeling guilty about hope, no one would do this without it. I am starting to wonder where we will go from here if it doesn't work again.

You might think that we're old hats at this, but we rarely make solid plans about what we'll do if the current one doesn't work.

We talked hypothetically that we would do 3 rounds of IVF, but to be honest I NEVER thought we'd need more than one. I have made it clear to the Doc that this is our last shot--at least with him, but I don't really know if that's true. I have no idea how we would pay for another one (we have no coverage), if we should do another one, and who we should do it with if we need another one.

I am terrified to face the possibility that this won't work, and I know from experience that it might not.

I am terrified that the next round of decision making might be the one that I have to come to terms with not having biological children.

So that's it.

It isn't guilt.

It is pure FEAR.

And I am terrified to face it.

Amy