Permission to feel

I spent the long Memorial Day Weekend sort-of low key. I feel somehow lighter, my worries are beginning to melt away just a bit. My Grandpa is doing well--he gets to go home from the hospital today!
I also read (or skimmed) several books about infertility this weekend. Some were personal stories and others were technical manuals. The more informed I become, the more I realize what a total crap shoot this whole process is, and yet it gives me hope, peace.
I know that millions of other couples struggle with this too and I am a member of an online support group that does help a lot, and I have noticed among all of us in the group there seems to be a sense of guilt and shame not just because of the infertility, but also because of how we FEEL about our FEELINGS.
I have shared that my 1st cousin is due to give birth very soon and that my sister in law is pregnant and due in November. These will be the first babies of our generation in our family and I am very happy them, however it causes tons of conflicting feelings. I DO sometimes feel envy, jealousy, pain, and I simultaneously feel ashamed, guilty, and angry at myself for feeling that way. I notice that many other women have similar experience, but none, me included, seem to know how to resolve the conflict. Explaining it helps some-confession, I guess. I do NOT want to be a negative person, or someone who wallows in my own misery, but I feel like I might as well give myself permission to feel like I do, since I'm going to feel it anyway. It's not just pregnancies that cause these conflicts, but my own Hope for a successful treatment causes them as well. I want to be positive, yet I try to to "get my hopes up!" I also actively struggle to force myself to have a life outside of my infertility-I cannot remember a day that I haven't thought of it and I sometimes have guilt about that too! It is such a crazy, disturbed almost, way to live.
I am happy, but this seems to CONSUME me and I cannot imagine how my life might be without it.